hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Semen is not good for contacts.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
