I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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