he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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