The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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