Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
