just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
