Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Randomize
