Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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