i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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