A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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