my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
