I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
