K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize