he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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