I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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