in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize