meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
