U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
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