Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
