Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
