I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
