I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
