I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
