one might say we're banned from that church
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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