my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
