Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
