The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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