oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize