Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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