Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
