I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
