Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
