when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
In other news, I just burned my penis
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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