There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
