youre lurking in front of me
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize