Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
