i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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