Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
