The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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