Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
