I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
