So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
