Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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