i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
