dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
