despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
