you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
So vagazzling was a success
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize