There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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