i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
