I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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