K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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