Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
