Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
