The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
