It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
