OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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