Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My ass is underappreciated
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
