just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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