apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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