you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
