Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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