There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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