Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
